The Girl
My name is Alexis and I am a twenty one year old female originally from Gary, IN but I currenly live at Purdue Univeristy!! (Go Boilers!)
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Marques Houston - All Because of You
...written on Saturday, Mar. 19, 2005, @ 10:29 PM
I just returned back from my much needed and well deserved spring break vacation home. I had some time to think and reconsider many things to which I still have very little, if any, conclusions for. Of course, I had suffered the many ups and downs with being home near KT and as usual, as soon as I got back home, he began to display his affectionate side of our friendship/relationship and tried to encourage me to "do me" by lending his support to do what I want to do with my life. I spent the night over there last night... it was upsetting yet self-reflecting as we laid there in the bed naked and slept holding each other; I, of course, was cold but was kept warm from his body heat. If there was anything that I could change about KT it would be his addiction to alcoholism and weed. Whenever he's not high or drunk, he has so much potential of being the lover and friend that I need with his realism; when he is drunk and high, he's so moody and he angers me in my heart. I feel so much sorrow in my soul for him because he's in trouble-legally. He needs some money to give his lawyer because he got caught with some weed and now, if convicted, he could go to jail. That's starting to bother me because what will I do if he goes to jail? Even though in my heart, I nolonger feel the indepth attraction to him, still in the depts of my soul we have a bond that is irreplaceable and I know that it's something that cannot be matched; we now have history together. It's almost been a year... and counting. Although I want to just let go, I still feel obligated to him as a friend and a lover. Yet, I still feel as though things aren't as beautiful as I think that they are; he tells me that it's just me thinking that things aren't cool and he's tried to convince me that things are cool but cool to whom? I am constantly feeling as though I am being played, he's telling me that he's never ever played me, and I am stuck in the middle in the mist of my own feelings in the depts of my hearts loniness, especially when I feel the presence of someone else always pulling us apart from another. Perhaps, that's the reason why he cannot commit to me fully because he's doing for someone else, and I wondered as he laid on top of me kissing all over me... "Fuck me but love another..." and it stayed with me for the duration of my vacation. Therefore, as he took me home this morning..."You don't really like me do you?" and there was a pause... he pretended as if he had been floored by my random question but I seriously wanted to know. He says, "Where did that come from? Is that what you think?" I replied, "I know it's just a random question now answer me." but he nonchalantly replied by quizzing me by asking, "Is that what you think?" repeatedly. I was quiet as I waited for him to answer and I didn't want to guide him in doing so but when I realized that there wasn't an answer about to be given onto me... I sighed and said, "at times," as I knew that it was true; I might as well be a fuck rag if after all this time I still mean nothing to him after all, I would do anything for him at the drop of a dime and I'm still nobody or mean nothing to him then that's an awful feeling that I still need to deeply try to interpret in the depths of my own loniness tonight and forever until an answer is given.
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